1.16.10

2010 is not my year.
Update since last post. Christmas Eve was nice. I made dinner and had a few friends over to watch some non-traditional Christmas movies. eg. MST3000 Christmas edition: Santa Defeats the Martians. The holiday it self was not as bad as it has been in years past. A little lonely. But getting by. Mostly working to help the season pass. New Years was quiet. Not shortly after midnight my roommate and I were sound asleep.

The new year started off by me deciding to do something nice for myself and take a mini vacation to Macon, GA to see my 7yr old little friend Wesley and his parents. Needless to say the day after my arrival both Wesley and I came down with something. Oh yes. It was salmonella poisoning. I made the (near 6 hour drive there) home in just under 5... saying under the weather is not justice for the terribleness that was those few days. Then, I make it back on track. Work work work. and of coarse the morning of the marathon it is 6am, 28 degrees - and I'm in pink spandex. Not much to keep a gal warm. Except for the little fire of anger still left from being stuck working with your EX, and JUST your ex for 7 hours in the cold. From there it started. The head aches, the stuffiness, and of coarse the sore throat. From there the voice slowly gave, as it does every year. And I thought Ariel had it bad losing her voice to an evil sea witch. I lost mine to mother nature. I was out for the count. What the doctors thought was pneumonia turned out to be a fairly bad infection. On top of the lack of communication, I was heavily medicated for both my infection that I caught and laryngitis I was unable to do mostly anything including sitting up. It was sleep it off or feel like I got hit by a train.

I thought I had it bad...

The past few years my aunt has been battling cancer. Lung cancer as it started out, but the unstoppable enemy within has taken its toll. She is a strong woman. Lived by herself and has been doing very well up until last week, just taking on everything this beast can dish out. Last week she was admitted into the hospital. And yesterday she was released... released into our care. She is spending the last precious weeks in the living room of my parents home up in Chicago. It reminds me so much of how my grandmother was... and I try not to make the connection. I try not to think what is going to happen as I leave. We have 24 hours care. Nurses in and out of the house. No matter what I do, what I say I can not make this any easier for Aunt - my parents - my Emos - my nephews. I have to be emotionally detached so I can sit and listen to the doctors explain the happenings. What she has to take, and why so that when my mother regains her composure everything that was said was not lost with all the sobbing. Once again, understanding and using medical equipment become second nature. I can not stay long. And that hurts. It hurts to not be there... it hurts to watch lives crumble before you. It makes me angry to know that nothing I can do can change a thing. I've turned lives around. I've granted wishes - miracles to families I have absolutely no connection with and there is nothing I could do for one person that I care about. In the big old universe of ours... I feel pretty small. Pretty helpless. And I have always been the one to stand and make things happen. But why not now? No matter how hard I fight, this battle is already in the history books. I guess there is nothing more to say... I will be better. I will be back. I need time. Space. "so grasp your courage and bind it to your hearts with bands of steal..."

I 'm sorry for being M.I.A. for so long. I don't know what I need right now. But I'm searching for it. Blessings, everyone.